The woman in the mirror

Finally, today I had a great running day. The laps just melted away and I 'enjoyed' my run. Whether I enjoyed it more than rearranging my sock drawer is questionable. But my sock drawer doesn't offer much in the way of personal fulfilment (perhaps I just keep the wrong things in there...).

I have a bit of a ritual after my run. I drive back home (oh, the irony) grab a coffee and a shower. And then, as I'm getting dressed I look in mirror and say to myself....'you know what, you're in great shape for a woman your age'. I've never really gone in for such self-aggrandising mantras: self-praise is no recommendation, as they say. But ever since having the children and all the physical accoutrements (stretch marks, dog-eared breasts, bottom ballast), I realised that no-one was ever going to call me objectively 'attractive' anymore. Yes, my husband does, but he doesn't count...he loves me unconditionally (or perhaps that's what his mantra is). The problem is I don't love myself that way....

So, after having the children, I started this habit of looking in the mirror each morning (naked) before getting dressed for work and I would say to myself: 'you look pretty good for a woman who had 2 children back-to-back in her mid-30s and kept down a full time job and who ate a whole packet of chocolate biscuits last night'. Indeed, I did look like someone who did no exercise, hardly slept and overate. But it did help me get through those tough long days and short nights when the children were babies. I accepted my dietary transgressions to avoid feeling worse than I already did. Sleepless nights, tortuous tantrums and the requirement to praise your child when they got half their poo in their potty and only half on the floor this time...hooray, not! Oh, and would I give a project presentation at 5:30 today, please? Life was already a bit too 'full on' for me to put additional pressure on myself to actually look good.

I have had 41 years to get to 'know myself' and I like to think I've been a good student. In the absence of being able to love myself unconditionally, I try to set myself 'goals' or 'conditions' under which I can succeed at something. I have to earn my self-respect. By all that's holy, I bloody well earned it today....